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two    steps    forward.....three    steps    back!!!!!

02/01/98

happy sunday....as you can see from the headline...the last week has been very upsetting ....i have had this outta control feeling...there is no excuse really........i am very angry @ myself for letting this happen! i plan to make the week coming up a good one. i must be strong!

02/02/98 9:00:am had a delicious slim fast shake....too yummy {NOT} now i am going to do some HEINOUS HOUSEWORK ....check back later......could life get any better than this????

2:00pm another fabulous slim-fast shake...oh-so-satisfying! i just wanna sleep-sleep-sleep! can somebody e-mail me a PROZAC?

5:36pm had a delicious WW frozen dinner.....it was very tasty! ALL 5 BITES OF IT! What was that? an infant size portion? Now i know why they call it the 1-2-3 program.....it takes you less time to polish off those dinners than it does to count to three! i am kidding.......sorta. so far ...a good day....i know i can do it! talk to ya tommorow.

02/03/98

why do skinny people feel compelled to say such stupid things to fat people?

"OH,DIANNA,I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE FINALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT,AFTER ALL,YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE!"

it was all i could do~ to not say~ what i was thinking"WELL,YOUR FACE AIN'T THAT GREAT,WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND EAT SOMETHING!

IT WAS A RELATIVE...SO I HAD TO BEHAVE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 02/04/98 did ok yesterday.....slimfast is ok really,once you get used to it. my friend MIKE lost about 70 pounds five years ago,using slim-fast. he has kept it off too. he weighs 150 now. his mom thinks he is way too skinny..... she swears he has "dyslexia",and he should eat more....she watches OPRAH,she has learned about these eating disorders.....".DYSLEXIA"and "BOHEMIA"......i have always liked mike's mom.

02/05/98 my son and i walked to the store yesterday... to get some essentials.... we were ankle deep in snow...i really enjoyed our walk....i really enjoy that he is turning into a young man too. sometimes,other times i just want to cry...because the time that he was a baby went by much too fast!!!! did great yesterday... walking, shovelling snow and sticking to the eating plan....i am not weighing in yet! if i hop on the scale and do not see a loss it puts me in a very negative mood.....and i just want to continue on with having good days. i dream of a time when this is not a constant struggle...but simply my way of life!

02/06/98

well...yesterday was good,did the water,exercise and stayed within the calorie budget.i did a little research yesterday.called some friends and family........

a thursday phone call:

father:hello?

ME:hello,sir...i am conducting a telephone poll,and i was wondering if you could tell me exactly what you have eaten today?

FATHER: who is this???? do i know you?

ME: yeah dad,it's me dianna....i am wondering what you eat on a typical day...and how much.

FATHER: well,for breakfast i usually skip that...not too hungry when i wake up,and lunch,when i remember to eat,i usually grab a sandwich,and dinner,i might heat up a can of soup.

ME: very interesting....dad.......are you sure we are related?

02/07/98 i must not binge... i must not binge........ i must not binge ...... i must not binge............ i must not binge............. i must not binge.......... i must not binge...... i must not binge........ i must not binge......... i must not binge.............. i must not binge............. i must not binge........... i must not binge......... i must not binge........... i must not binge.................. i must not binge................. i must not binge .......... i must not binge........... i must not binge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


MONDAY 02/09/98

I HAVE DECIDED THAT THIS WAS THE LAST WEEKEND THAT I WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO DEVIATE FROM MY HEALTHY EATING PLAN....I AM @ 232....AND I WANT TO START MAKING SPECIFIC GOALS. I HAVE BEEN TREATING THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE AS IF IT WAS A ROLL OF THE DICE RATHER THAN SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. as motivation...and incentive i am going to make a list of all the "skinny" things i want to do in 1999..... 20 lbs gone 80 more to go....that sounds overwhelming....i think i will loose 20 pounds 4 more times instead....there,that's much better!!

*late breaking news>I will be in Georgia for the next few days....Have Slim-Fast...will travel....i wonder if i will be able to find any sensible dinners in the truck stops along the way??

talk to ya when i get back....

02/12/98

Well...the trip was ok...after the few days I spent on the road I have a new respect for my husband who is on the road 5 days a week in his truck...How he has managed to loose 40 pounds in the same amount of time that I have lost 22 is amazing to me. I went to at least 5 truck stops that had no diet section on the menu.They had salad bars with no low fat/fat free dressing.It truly was a diet nightmare on the road. We stuck to our slim -fast and sensible dinner tho....the main thing my husband has done is cut out his "real coke" and switched to diet pepsi and water and he was a big milk drinker...at least a half gallon a day...whole milk....he said he does not miss the milk as long as he has his slim-fast. We walked for exercise,about 30 minutes a day. Georgia was pretty...they have a thing for peaches I noticed...and there was a "WAFFLE HOUSE" every 3 miles ..that yellow sign kept popping up.... well..i have managed to loose two more pounds I am @ 230 and holding my breath.....you know the drill....hold hands and pray for me!

02/13/98

Friday the 13th....I think my great grandmother used to make it a point to stay indoors on Friday the 13th...she also threw salt over her shoulder ,when she spilled some from the shaker....and made the sign of the cross whenever we would pass a Catholic church when we were driving along in the car...when she was in her late 70's she would cross herself in front of any church we passed....or even supermarkets that resembled churches ....good ol' mom-mom! That makes me think about all the times we would have a meal @ her home...it was always "HOW 'BOUTS WE HAVVAH NICEAH PIECEAH CAKE" or "LETSA EATA NICEAH MEATBALL FOR DINNER" all food was described as NICE...we never had mean or nasty or evil food @ mom-mom's......always NICE food! Well,,,time for me to drink my" NICE SLIM-FAST"......

02/14/98

Yeah,yeah...HAPPY V-DAY!.....I was hoping my husband would greet me @ the door bearing gifts of delicious chocolate....well,no such luck,he brought me roses and a card! Geez,no excuse to fall off the wagon! Then we went to my sister -in -laws...surely, I thought, I could find a box of chocolates there....huh! only EMPTY BOXES! Then,my mother in law showed up....SHE must have some chocolate in that bag!! CHOCOLATE HEARTS FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF GOOEY STUFF!...or mabe some fudge perhaps???...all the kids were given sweet treats from mom-mom.....she greeted me and said "I wish I had some candy for you.but I know you are dieting and I didn't want to mess that up"...here are some fresh strawberries for you and Rick! "they are from Florida...they should be nice and sweet." "Oh,thankyou" I said."how thoughtful"..... THERE IS CERTAINLY NO LACK OF SUPPORT HERE IN THE FAMILY!! THESE PEOPLE SHOULD GET JOBS AT THE BETTY FORD CLINIC!!!

WHAT THE HELL DO I GOTTA DO TO GET A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE ON VALENTINES' DAY?

Let me ask you something....if I melt some chocolate chips and plop the strawberries in it.....will the chocolate stick?......just asking.....

02/15/98 .I am still @ 230....and I am DETERMINED that by the next weigh in on Sunday...I will be @ 225!!!!This is get tough week!! I am going to do the water,exercise,and calorie counting with NO exceptions!

02/17/98 Finally got my picture to show up on the page...uploading images is not my strong point! I highly reccomend this pose as it has a dual function...I covered both of my chins and the chin hair at one time! Speaking of chin hair..I am either going to have to wax soon or move to a country where it is fashionable for woman to sport beards! I am doing good still...my water intake needs improvement...but I have stayed on the calorie budget...I really want to reach my goal this week of 225 by sunday.

02/18/98 well i bought some diet vitamins today,inside of the box i found a "handy " little weight chart...and for my height,my goal of 150 is still 25 pounds overweight for my frame size..for god's sake..i am already bummed that i cannot seem to get below 230, and 150 is a far-away dream...125 ugh! did super good on calories today,not so great on exercise..... I am practicing this "positive imagination technique" you are supposed to picture yourself thin and practice doing all the thin things you will be doing....all in your imagination..... i saw myself in a bathing suite,swimming @ the pool...i look good in a one piece,it was from macy's{as long as i'm thin i mine as well have money to shop@ macy's too} then everyone swarmed around me and told me how envious they were,that i looked so good in my bathing suite{it could happen} and asked me for all of my diet tips...all the skinny girls from high school were there,the ones who used to make fun of me,they had all gained 50 pounds{poor,poor dears....} i'm starting to like this imagination thing......

02/19/98

The GYN told me that i have a hormone imbalance,lotsa male hormones...hence THE DREADED CHIN HAIR....it is possible tho that if i loose 100 pounds,the hormones may straighten out...apparently this is a problem that alot of large women have to deal with.It has given me a new found determination to get to my goal weight well before menopause....my mother in law tells me that once you go thru THE CHANGE you have even less female hormones !!! So I figure I have two choices...loose the weight and balance out my hormones or change my name to Fred and learn how to pee standing up!

02/20/98 2 more days till weigh day....i am hoping the scale shows a loss,even if it is not @ 225...as long as i am not stuck @ 230! I have been very dedicated all week,resisting strong BINGE urges,so i should be o.k on sunday.On the 24th of March I am going to Baltimore to celebrate my brothers 30th birthday...my baby brother ,30,my how life whizzes by!

02/21/98

well..i have finished the last slim-fast that i am going to have for a while.i am going to try a diet that worked for me many years ago...the high protien diet....you have 4-6 oz of fish or chicken,or two eggs hardboiled or any high protien food provided it is low fat....and a half cup of veggies...for lunch and dinner. (i modify that to 1 cup veggies} Breakfast is a tasty hi-protien drink with 1/2 cup grapefruit juice.I am burned out on slim -fast and I also remember having lots of energy on this diet...of course I was only 17 then......ugh! I thought of another skinny thing to add to the list... if you are over 18 check it out!

02/22/98

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @ 227....NOT 225 AS I HAD HOPED BUT AT LEAST I AM NOT @ THE DREADED 230 !!! NO APPLAUSE,JUST THROW CHOCOLATE!! MAY I NEVER SEE 230 AGAIN!!! I AM GOING TO THE GYM MONDAY,I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

02/23/98

I would love to report that I went to the gym and worked my self into a frenzy that any health nut would be proud of...however,due to inclement weather...i was forced to remain in my home yesterday...the fact that i fell to my knees and thanked mother nature for the ice and snow(and the good excuse to stay home) should not make you think any less of me!!

02/24/98

I fell off the wagon,had a relapse,backslid,went on a binge,lost it....this gives you a clue,but does not convey the utter disgust i have for myself right now. Food addiction is a hideous addiction....this is the first time I have referred to myself as a food addict...guess I was in denial ...eh? If I looked in the yellow pages would I be able to find a 30 day detox? Would i actually rehabilitate myself if I checked in? Or would I form an underground Twinkie ring? Psssst.....hey buddy, i will trade you three cigarettes for that Ring-Ding!!!

I am not giving up...i refuse to give up.......

02/25/98 Are you sitting down? I WENT TO THE GYM THIS MORNING!!! yes,finally....and I must say...I HATE THE GYM!!!! much to my dismay, i was the ONLY fat person there!!! I think it is because fat women like myself have BETTER SENSE !!!! and stay FAR-FAR away from such establishments!!! There were no instructors available to "set-me-up" on a program...but I was determined that I would do SOMETHING ...so I started with the LIFE-CYCLE....it had a computer pad...and i had no idea what I was doing ,so I hit a few buttons until some lights appeared....after the display read 15 minutes I thought i was gonna DIE!!!! Apparently I programmed it to go "up-hill" ...... some of my LIFE-CYCLE THOUGHTS..............

#1. I am going to pass out and the paramedics will be summoned.....

#2. dammit.....i have a major WEDGIE going on...shoulda wore different undies!!!!!

#3. I shoulda shaved my legs in case they cut my sweat pants off when they hook me up to life support!!!!

#4. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE???????

#5. I know that scrawny little bimbo is looki'n @ me......

I have an appointment with the club trainer tommorow @ 4 pm.....I am afraid...but I am going anyway....wish me luck!!!

02/26/98

I can't believe how good it went @ the gym today.....it was not at all what I expected...I was so nervous!!! But once I met with the trainer and started going over all the machines...I was fine. I could not believe how much more comfortable I felt....I worked out for about an hour...at the end of the work out...Scott{the kid who is the trainer} walked me over to the scale......I was fearing the worst!!! Then he pointed to the scale and said "do you see this?" " I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU NEAR IT!!" DO NOT EVER GET ON THE SCALE,I WANT YOU TO MEASURE YOUR SUCCESS BY LOOKING IN THE MIRROR!! Yeah...me and that kid are gonna get along fine!! The only thing I had difficulty with were the crunches....he said the goal is to bring my chin to my knees.....yeah right!! Well...now the trick will be to go faithfully and stick with it. I must say....if I can do this workout thing and kinda like it- ANYBODY CAN!!!!!!

02/27/98 When will I ever learn? I made the mistake of asking my sister-in-law,JEN, to tell me what her work-out @ the gym consists of. I just HAD to know.Well let's put it this way compared to her work-out ..my trainer has me on the GRANNY program!!! She does 20-45 minutes of Cardio before she prances over to the weights....I did 15 minutes of cardio and started to hallucinate....I felt like my feet were implanted in cement buckets as I waddled over to the weight machines....

On a brighter note...I am finally @ 225!!!!Oh happy day....


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