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sabotage..........

03/01/98

obviously my husband thinks saturday and sunday were created for falling off the diet wagon...he is constantly requesting that we go to OUTBACK on the weekends....BECAUSE WE WERE SO GOOD DURING THE WEEK! Well...I DECLINED ...and I am very proud that I was strong enough for both of us....still @ 225!!!

03-02-98

ok...this is how I am doing the gym this far...3 days on 1 day off...so far I have been 4 times...it is helping in a couple of ways...I think I have more energy and less of an appetite for a few hours after I go. the main thing is that I do not want to" waste"all of the hard work I am doing @ the gym on a BINGE! SO...for what it's worth...i held off on going to the gym for three months....it took that long to work up the courage to go...but now that I am going I AM VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT!! ~

o.k...it is still Monday...I had to log on again to COMPLAIN!!! After the gym I did a little browsing @ the mall....I some how...God only knows why ...ended up in VICTORIA"S SECRET....in case you are not familiar with this establishment ...allow me to enlighten you..this is an upscale lingerie boutique...that I had no business being in. The sizes started @ XS {that is extra small} and went all the way to L {large} this large looked like it was supposed to be in Sears Toddler Department!! Did you know there is such a thing as SIZE 0 {zero}? I kid you not!!! Well...I was feeling VERY VERY LARGE in that store,so I decided to get the hell outta there! I believe that I have figured out exactly what VICTORIA'S secret is...she starves herself...and so do all of her little friends!!

03/03/98 still @ 225....but today,I am ,for the first time ,FEELING thinner! I know I have lost 27.5 pounds...up until today I have not noticed FEELING any thinner...it is a nice change.I did not make it to the gym today...and i keep hearing little voices "go to the gym!" ..."dianna..work out".... "you know you should go".... Then I heard a bigger voice "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU IDIOTS !!"......... I will check in later to let you know who won........

THE BAD NEWS IS I DID NOT MAKE IT TO THE CLUB...THE GOOD NEWS IS...I AM REALLY "MISSING" IT....KINDA LIKE A CRAVING....I NOTICED I HAD MUCH LESS STAMINIA TODAY...AND I WAS CONSIDERING TAKING THE ICING PACKAGE OUTTA THE BETTY CROCKER STIR& BAKE AND HAVING A FROSTING FEST....WHY DO I ADMIT THIS STUFF?? WELL I WILL SURELY MAKE IT TO THE GYM ON WED.

03/05/98 I did make it to the gym yesterday......last night I had "binge-urges" I overcame them....so then why am I in such a bad mood? go figure! My next BIG GOAL is 200 #....that is what I am striving for... it is only 25 pounds away...it seems like this weight loss is going so slow!! I am thankful for all of the support that this page has generated!!!! I know I am not in this alone...and that is encouraging!

03/06/98 I am off to the CLUB today...that is a little play on words..I am referring to the GYM as the CLUB now...I have a membership...to the CLUB and I BELONG TO THE CLUB....all of this is an effort to help me believe that I actually do BELONG there.I still feel outta place...even tho I am going,I feel like I still stick out like a sore thumb! The provebial BULL in the CHINA SHOP. Am I making any sense?? I feel like all the employees kicked in 5 bucks each and are betting on me"hey,five bucks sez the FAT CHICK doesn't last another week!!" Paranoid ??? mabe....... hey...stop staring @ me!!!! cut it out !!!! I MEAN IT!

03/08/98

A SUNDAY CONVERSATION:

WE JOIN OUR COUPLE AS MR.GOOD REACHES FOR HIS THIRD BOSTON CREAM DONUT......

mr.good: "honey,wanna go to the gym?"

mrs.good "do I look like I wanna go to the gym?" you only ask me if I wanna go to the gym when you KNOW i have no interest in going to the gym....

mr.good " I was only asking in case YOU wanted to go...I really didn't wanna go."

mrs.good..{Oh...is that the way we play it now?? In that case}...."DO you wanna have wild hot sex?"

mr.good..."Sure..YES THAT"S MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME!!""Let's GO!!

mrs.good..".Sorry, I'm really not in the mood...I was just asking in case you were in the mood........"

03/09/98

Well,I did not weigh in Sunday..because I knew it would be bad news..I need to get back on program 100% My next target is 220...this weekend was a bummer...I ate too much and exercised too little. I talked to an old friend on line this weekend,it really bummed me out..one of our mutual friends lost alot of weight several years ago..and now she has gained it all back,and then some...so what did I do with this tidbit of information?? I obsessed on it!! I was thinking,oh what's the use? That will happen to me too! Why am I bothering? I would love to elaborate but I have to dial a phone number I just found.....1-800-IMA-IDIOT

03/10/98

I got some really motivational e-mail today...in response to yesterdays entry...I will cut and paste it..in case anyone is going thru the same thing....very good advice from a women who has successfully lost lotsa weight...and has a much better{healthier} attitude than yours truly!

Hi Dianna, Please don't feel like that!! How did this person who lost and gained back lose the weight in the first place, did she do it following a "diet" did she do it quickly?? did she use exercise in her plan did she change the way she thought about food and the way she lived her life.???? I ask all of this because if she used a DIET, didn't change the way she thought about food and exercise she was doomed to gain it back. Have you ever read the book,Make the Connection. Please get a copy and see what you think about losing weight then. I have written to you before, (I also had an Italian grandmother who fed me lots-a - meat-a-balls ) I have lost 125 lbs using the make the connection method,(I still have about 35-50 more to go) I eat about 1800 cal a day, drink LOTS of water, and workout 6 days a week . Please don't give up ,that is so important. This is a new way of life, not a diet, IT CAN BE DONE. It is worth it. Please go and get the book, it is so worth it!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT !!! never quit, never give up!!! No guts, no glory... and you are NO Idiot-- you are a very talented outgoing women--- I love reading your site!! feel free to email me anytime. Hang in there. peace, lauren


03/12/98 I have been having problems updating...hopefully this entry will appear.... I have been trying to figure out what my exact problem is concerning food and the way I think about it . I think I have it narrowed down to "NON-purging binge eater" Not that I am much for labels...but that sounds more MEDICAL...than say...".insane women who eats way too much" I am reminded of an incident that happened a couple years ago...I was taking classes and a group of us would lunch together...There was one women who was VERY thin...she had a twinkie.. she pulled off one tiny crumb at a time,and then she would chew that tiny crumb.....over and over.She made 1/2 the twinkie last 30 minutes and then saved the other half for snack!! As you can imagine this was almost painful for me to watch....I am thinki'n "GIMME THAT TWINKIE LADY!!!LET ME SHOW YA THE RIGHT WAY TO EAT A TWINKIE!!! I guess something in her mind made her feel like she HAD to eat that way because she was FAT even though she only weighed about 85 pounds.

Just like something in my mind tells me ...that it is a good thing... to have three Sara Lee cheese cakes as a light snack before dinner!

I am doing good with my eating,not so good with exercise....still not giving up !!

03/13/98 Dear Gentle Readers.... Dianna would like to express her sincere appreciation for your continued support in her efforts to reduce.

How's that for a greeting? I felt just like MISS.MANNERS for a split second...

Not much to report , I am @ 223 as of today...weighed in early...the grand total is now.....29.05 pounds lost...doesn't the" .05" at the end of that grand total make it seem more impressive? Reminds me of when I used to exclaim "FOR YOUR INFORMATION I AM NOT JUST NINE YEARS OLD!!!!!..I AM NINE AND ONE HALF!!

Talk to ya later!

03/15/98 My resolution for this week is to work-out at least 3 times and to stick to the high-protien plan... I got a VERY BAD PERM!! It looked ok for the first three days..now I look like THE BAD HAIR DAY POSTER LADY! My son turned into VIDAL SASOON and told me "geez MOM..BIG HAIR IS TOTALLY OUT...you look so 80's!" "ME AND DADDY ARE GOING TOTHE MALL,WE'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU AND YOUR HAIR STAY HOME!" that's the way it goes...one minute you are waking up every two hours thru the night to nurse your precious baby boy...then suddenly he turns on you like a pit bull!

03/16/98 http://personal.nbnet.nb.ca/mamada/HEC/

the above is a link to a really neat site I found last night....I think the ladies of HEC had a great idea in forming a local support group...I would like to be a member of a group just like this! And on meeting nights I can say "we are all going to HEC in a handbasket,butI'll be back by 10 pm!!"...by the way.. HEC stands for the HEALTHY EATERS CLUB .....check it out if ya want...

03/17/98

I finally got the book "Make The Connection" so far it has been motivational...The Step that stands out in my mind is to make a renewed commitment to your program every day ....

I hate to admit it but I have been shirking in the exercise department! I gotta get back to the gym...

03/18/98

Today is POWERBALL day..I think the jackpot is well into the millions..so I am thinking,If I won,and that is as likely as getting hit by a bolt of lightning or John Travolta calling and asking me to bear his lovechild! Anyway if I did win,I would gladly trade all those millions of dollars if someone were to say "ok,you can take the money,or you can be thin immediately and for the rest of your life!"Of course with all that money,I could hire a cook and a personal trainer.....so mabe I will take the money.....

03/19/98 Baseball season is coming...more specifically...my son's Baseball season.The teams have been picked and the practice days set...all that is left is to wait for the count-down to opening day. This is the 8th year of baseball....8 summers of my life spent in the blazing sun in long pants. I want to wear shorts this year,I have about two months to make my legs look a little more presentable...I'm not talking Daisy Dukes or anything like that,just some shorts that come to the top of the knee...of course,I have not been able to see my knees in a few years,they kinda blend in with my thighs,but I know I have two knees hiding somewhere...hopefully I can locate them before June rolls around.

03/21/98 I had a few close personal friends over last night,perhaps you know them....BEN and JERRY..Mrs. Fields...SARA LEE.. somebody...SLAP ME! Will I ever NOT binge? Just when I think I am so IN CONTROL ...the bottom drops out ...I feel like a JUNKIE...and food is my fix!! I'm going to put myself into DETOX for the next week and try to get back on track!

03/23/98 Today @ 6:30 am I will walk 2 miles briskly...and then spend the rest of the morning doing the laundry and other chores I have neglected this weekend.My neighbor also walks the same track in the morning.I am hoping to be done my two miles before he starts his walk.He is deaf,and my Basic American sign language is very rusty.I am never quite sure if I told him to" have a nice day" or "your plaid pants look funny" I am back on the program 100%

03/24/98 Well don't ask me how but I have gained three pounds..this is the first gain since I started in December...I gotta get a grip!

03/25/98 It's a little after midnight and I cannot sleep...just call me RACOON WOMEN...I have been napping in the afternoon and staying awake all night.I think depression is dragging me down...I am hanging in though,not ready to throw the towel in yet!

03/26/98 I did a brisk two miles yesterday morning....I enjoy walking,it doesn't FEEL like exercise to me.Not in comparison to the gym anyway.I'm going to be out of town for the next few days,I will try to update on the road.If I can find facilities.It's gonna be 80 degrees here for the next few days...why I feel compelled to give a weather report is anyone's guess.?!@#? As mom-mom Berardino used to say "SEE YA IN THE FUNNY PAPERS!"......{I never knew what she meant by it either...}

03/28/98 Hey...just checking in ..on my way to Baltimore for the dreaded" visit the accountant and find out how much we are in debt to Uncle Sam day!" This is one of our least favorite and most stressful trips of the year!! It is always followed by a mega binge...both of us eat as a way to deal with stress...we must learn better coping skills.... I HAVE BEEN SO OFF THE WAGON I AM ASHAMED! But Sunday will be a new beginning for us...we have vowed to get back on program and be as comitted as we were in early Dec and Jan when we first began....Wishing you all the best!!

03/30/98 A SUNDAY MORNING CONVERSATION:

HUSBAND: "good morning honey ."

WIFE:" go back to sleep!"

HUSBAND: " I know we are supposed to go back on our program today,but I think we should wait until monday!"

WIFE: " Why is that?"

HUSBAND " Because we have not had any EASTER CANDY...and if we start today when Easter gets here we cannot have any MARY SUE coconut cream eggs and EASTER HAM. So I think we should go to the store and get CANDY and EASTER DINNER and have that today and start our diets again tommorow!! GREAT PLAN DON'T you think so Honey??"

WIFE:" Did you know that our state has a law that makes it possible to get divorced in 30 days???"

HUSBAND" does that mean you don't like my idea?"

WIFE:" go back to sleep!"


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