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Trying    to    get    back    to    my    "not    so    normal"    old    self...

12/03/98 I think it has been one year since I started this page..I must say..thinking back if you asked me to predict what 1998 would be like for me...I would have never guessed exactly what was in store for me.

I have "met" so many kind and caring people as a result of this page! I am so thankful for all of the e-mails and people who signed the guestbook to offer support since the beginning...and especially the ladies who have sent comforting words of support or just a note to say " I am thinking of you" after the recent loss of my daughter.If I did not respond personally ..please forgive me..and know that I appreciate you...

It never occured to me that I would be pregnant this year..or have the daughter I always dreamed of..if only for one day.This past year ..I am sure ..will ultimately teach me a valuable life soon as I am "willing to learn"

For now I am trying to find my way back...For now "everything SUCKS!" and there are so many unanswered questions...and I just wanna know....WHY!!!WHY~~~ WHY????

No matter what the situation in my life..I have always dealt with it "with a sense of sarcastic humor " and that has always somehow made it a little easier.Easier to be the fat chick...Easier to come from the prototype of a dysfunctional family...Easier to be the bumbling homemaker. And I am thinking I can make it thru this too.

I'ts just a matter of time...

Goodbye JUMBO...Hello CRUEL world!!


I spent Christmas Eve and most of Christmas day in bed. With a nasty case of the flu..and Louie Anderson.


Title: Goodbye Jumbo hello cruel world

Author: Louie Anderson

c1993 Penguin Books

hardcover- $22 U.S dollars

On a TWINKIE scale from 1 to 5 :I give this book a 5 TWINKIE rating!!

In this book,Louie explores his past in hope that it will explain why he was a fat child and why as an adult his comfort and friend always seems to be food..and lots of it!!

He discovers material wealth cannot bring him happiness..and fame does not erase the pain of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

I feel a kinship with Dear Louie as he describes in detail the stash of treats under his bed.Suzy-Q's and chips hidden @ arms reach. in case of a crisis...{oh Louie..were we seperated at birth?}

He finally comes to the conclusion that he must take responsibility for his own actions...that he must forgive others for hurting him. But most importantly he must FORGIVE HIMSELF.

The most thought provoking part of the book for me is on page 142 when he writes:

Every single diet comes down to the same question:Do you love yourself enough to want to quit killing yourself? check the appropriate box:

[]YES [] NO

That Lou..he's not one to mince words ,is he?

By the end of the book he is happily exercising and eating healthy foods and reasonable portions.HOO-ray 4 LOUIE!!! I wonder how he is doing now? Some 6 years later? I imagine him doing a brisk two miles on the treadmill then having a healthy salad . Or perhaps ,like me,he has fallen off the wagon ..eating Peanut butter bon-bon's and washing them down with a cup of coffee generously flavored with Bailey's Irish Cream....

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